


Not All Zombies Are Killers

by The_Problematic_Blender



Series: "This is going to Hell in a hand basket real fast!" [5]
Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter/Funhaus RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Zombie Apocalypse, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-05
Updated: 2016-07-09
Packaged: 2018-04-13 02:47:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 4,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4504749
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Problematic_Blender/pseuds/The_Problematic_Blender
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(Death is a finicky thing) (More tags as it applies)</p><p>Ray and Joel must travel back to Austin after the outbreak, and shit fUCKING HAPPENS.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Blame the zombie AU that has currently clogged my Tumblr dash.

How the fuck did this happen.

Ray was so careful, so very careful to be quiet and avoid large masses of zombies. And here he was, running with at least ten zombies hot on his trails. Why couldn't these be the slow zombies like in video games? Ray quickly jumped over a counter, mumbling "parkour" in a feared breath, quickling making his way to a propped open 'Staff only' door. He wasn't quick enough, a zombie latching onto his backpack.

Ray quickly pulled his arms out of its straps in response, sending the zombie and a few of his friends reeling back.  With a quick turn, Ray kicked the door closed. He'd get his backpack later. He turned back, knowing the door wouldn't hold them forever.

"Fuck me." Ray groaned, seeing a zombie with a microwave chained to his leg. He quickly looked around to see a back door, and tried it. Of course it opened out and of course it was blocked. He couldn't get a break. He felt the touch of cold hands on his arm and immediately pulled away, elbowing the zombie head away.

There wasn't much Ray could do, his weapons were in his backpack. Yeah, he should of had at least a pistol on him, but he was eating when the zombies found him. Ray backed up, trying in vain to stay away from the zombie. He ended up in the corner, and there was nothing he could do besides push it away and hope for the best.

Clunk

The zombie in front of him became decapitated by a golf club. Wait, what? Ray quickly glanced up to see a man who looked like he was in his mid thirties, wild black hair and a UT sweatshirt and cargo shorts. Ray realized who it was.

Joel fucking Heyman.

"Hey there Ray." He replied casually, pulling a 45mm from his side and handing it to Ray. Ray took it gingerly, not liking the sounds on the other side of the door. Joel pulled out the shotgun from who the hell knows where, flicked the safety off and aimed for the door. Ray turned the safety off his given gun and carefully aimed at head level.

The door busted open, and a quick shot from Joel killed four of the zombies. Ray moved with practiced precision and quickly unloaded three bullets into three heads. The duo worked well to get rid of the zombies, and soon all the zombies laid dead once more.

"Damn Ray, you're a good shot." He complimented, reloading his shotgun.

"You too." Ray stood up and headed to the pile of bodies to retrieve his backpack.

"Oh please, shotguns are easy. You were headshotting for days." He said with a light tone.

"So, Joel, why the hell are you in New York?" He slung his backpack over his shoulder, slipping his arm through. "Thanks for saving me, by the way."

"No bites?" Joel asks, and Ray's hands instinctively went to his neck, moving their way down his arms and legs.

"Nope." Ray answered, his hands falling back to his side.  He watched Joel's face as it contorted with expressions.

"There was a small con in Rochester." Joel replied, a small smile on his face. "I was actually glad I found you. I didn't want to go to Austin without you."

"Sap."

"Asshole." Joel said it with an even bigger smile now, rubbing Ray's back.


	2. Can Tuck Eeeee Haus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eeeeeehhhhhh second chapter.

"Hey, look at that." Joel said, pulling Ray out of his comic book. He pointed to the large metal sign on the side of the street. "Kentucky border."

"We're definitely getting there. At a fucking snail's pace." Ray said with a sarcastic tone.

"Maybe we will find a working car in Kentucky." Joel sounded oddly optimistic, but Ray had learned quickly that was how Joel coped with the apocalypse.

"Maybe we will also find the cure." Ray snarked again, watching Joel stand proudly towards the sign.

"Maybe!" Ray chuckled at his happy response. Joel knew he was sarcastic, but refused to let his quips bring them down. "Let's go explore Kentucky!"

"Sounds good to me." Ray replied with a chuckle, slinging his backpack to his front, putting the comic book in his backpack and returning it to his back. "Y'know, I think you and Adam are gonna go full homo when we get back."

"And you and Ryan aren't?" Joel shot back, and Ray clutched his heart.

"Okay, ow, bro, that cuts deep." Ray said with mock pain, pouting. Joel chuckled and gave Ray a kiss on his head, traveling on the highway together.

"Y'know, maybe we'll find condoms and have a four way."

"Don't worry, I bet the office has a surplus." Joel chuckles again as Ray just does his little gasp-laugh. That quickly ends with an unnatural rustling in the field to the left of them as Joel and Ray both pull out their guns and pointed it to the noise origin. A mouse family scurried out from the field, and they both let out a sigh, flicking the safety back on and storing it in their quick access spot.

"We aren't desperate enough for mice, are we?" Ray asks.

"We still got some dry meat and canned fruit." Joel answers, cringing at the thought of eating mice.

"Good." Ray answers. "Fucking mice, scaring the shit out of me. I should eat them just out of spite."

"Ew." Joel schrunches up his nose, and Ray lightly punches him. Joel punches him back as they come across the first town. "So, we keep going or we raid the town?"

"I am beginning to realize why it took two months to get to Kentucky." Ray responded, his hand looming over his pistol, like he did every town. Ray was always cautious, while Joel went head first into danger, but was always quick with his reflexes. 

"Okay, split up or no?"

"We should stay together." Ray says, stepping closer to Joel. Ray sort of had a fear of turning into one of those things. Well, everyone probably was, but Ray was more apparent with the fear.

It took a couple hours to check out the whole town, and they got a working lighter and two cans of fruit for their troubles. Surprisingly, the town was empty of zombies.

"Y'know, if you want us to go faster, we could, y'know, split up." Joel pointed out.

"And you can go fuck yourself." Ray responded. They walked on the main path for a while without conversation. Ray wasn't much of a talker unless prompted. Joel adapted to it quickly, and often ended up rambling while Ray just listened and nodded his head. Occasionally Ray was in his head for too long. "Do you think the Funhaus guys are okay?"

"What?"

"Do you think they're alive?"

 

_Adam was on his knees, sobbing into his hands. He can't believe what he just did. Matt and Joel did their best to comfort him, but there was nothing they could do. Spoole died at his hands. He killed Spoole._

_"Adam, Spoole turned, there was nothing we could do." Lawrence tried, and failed, to make Adam feel better. Adam didn't move from the concrete floor, watching Spoole's blood pool from in between his fingers._

 

"Those guys are close, they probably have their shit together by now." Joel answered, watching two birds flying in the air.

"Yeah probably."


	3. Elevator to the 7th floor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Words.
> 
> That's the whole chapter.
> 
> Just words.

After a few days of walking, they came across the first actually city. All it has been was small towns, but now they finally came across a city they could actually see in the distance. Which meant zombies.

"No searching. In and out." Ray ordered, and Joel laughed in response. Ray was always cautious, and Joel allowed him to be, considering that Joel usually ignored Ray's order, and Ray was left scrambling after Joel while zombies were banging on a door behind them. "I'm not fucking kidding Joel, we are going straight through the city just to get to Texas faster."

"Alright, alright. Straight through the city." Joel flicked his safety off his shotgun once they hit the city limits. Joel hears the click of Ray's safety, and glances over to see Ray's eyes scanning ever square inch of the city from behind his glasses. "Jesus, you're such a nervous person."

"Yes, because making sure I don't getting infected is me being nervous."

"We can hear them before we can see them the majority of the time."

"Joel, you do you, and I'll do me."

"But I have condoms in my bag."

"Oh Joel..." Ray's eyes became less frenzied, but he still looked with the upmost carefulness. Joel eye's we're moving, but not looking for zombies. He looked for their next path to take. Joel took his job seriously, and hated it when the only way to their destination was horribly off track. Such as when two overturned semis blocked either side of the street. He looked quickly for a ladder of any sort, and  when he failed to find one, he sighed and turned to Ray. Ray looked up at Joel, waiting for his verdict.

"We have to go through that building." Joel responded, and Ray nodded. Ray knew that Joel always looked for the best route, and if that was the best route, then so be it. Ray pushed himself off the car and joined Joel once more as they made their way into the building.

The building wasn't in too bad of disrepair. It had only been a two months since the infection hit, so there wasn't much building damage. The building was a workplace, and at one point looked fancy, by Kentucky standards at least. It now had furniture haphazardly blocking exits and hallways.

"Where to now?" Ray asked, and Joel looked around.

"The stairs, there has to be an emergency stairwell with an exit somewhere, we can probably reach i upper levels." Joel answered, and him and Ray went up the stairs. They tested the doors on every floor, but they were all blocked up to the 7th floor. The door opened up, with some force, and they were surrounded by four elevators, two on each side. One of the elevator's doors were stuck open, and revealed that it was a double door elevator.

"Ray! Emergency Exit!" Joel squealed like a child, pointing to the metal door.

"In case you can't fucking tell, there is a three foot gap between us and that door, and that gap is 7 flights deep." Ray said sourly.

"No no, look." Joel went over to an abandoned plank, picked it up and carefully carried it over to the elevator. Setting the plank down as a bridge. He turned back ro Ray with a big smile, and Ray quirked an eyebrow up.

"If you think I am crossing that, you are sadly mistaken." Ray replied, crossing his arms.

"What if I crossed it first?"

"Joel Heyman, if you die, I swear to god I will fucking hate you forever." Ray promises.

"I'm not going to die." Joel smiles, tucking a stray hair behind Ray's ear. Joel kissed the top of Ray's head and turned to the elevator. He pulled off his backpack and threw it to the other side. It landed with a "clunk." Joel tested the plank with his right foot, and when it didn't give, he smirked and made his way across, carefully.

The next thing Joel remembers is a crack beneath him, Ray yelling, and him diving to the other side.

"I told you I wouldn't die..." Joel says weakly, picking himself off the tile floor.

"Fucking Christ Joel!" Ray exclaimed, "You scared the shit out of me! Are you okay!?"

"Yeah..." Joel lied, he landed on his shoulder, and damn it fucking hurt. "I assume that you won't jump across."

"Hell I-" Ray looked to his right, quickly pulling out his pistol and firing a few shots. "Fuck Joel, not everyone took a sick day." Ray joked, his voice deadpanned.

"Jump!"

"I'm not jumping! We have to find another way around!" Ray yelled back, firing again. "I'm pretty sure there are only walkers, I can hold them off, find another way around!" Ray grabbed his baseball bat and made his way into the office, out of Joel's sight. Joel cursed, begrudgingly getting up and swinging his backpack over his good shoulder, being tender with his injured one.

He looks around, thinking quickly. He saw what he assumed to be the door to the offices, blocked by about five billion things. Okay, two desks and a cabinet, but they were heavy as fuck. He moved them, with a soon to be badly bruised shoulder nonetheless, as quick as he could. It took a few minutes and some aggressive muttering, but he managed to get it unblocked, and he swung the door open.

Ray was in the corner, swinging his baseball bat as hard as he could, hitting down the walkers as they approached. Joel pulled out his own pistol, holding the door open with his body as he reached down to grip his golf club, not pulling it out of it's loop yet.

"RAY!" He called out, Ray looked up, and Joel saw a look in Ray's eyes he couldn't place, but it wasn't something good. He shoved away the few stumbling zombies near him before jumping up on a nearby desk. He jumped over the cubicles, and Joel could tell Ray was mumbling parkour under his breath, making Joel smile. He kept a careful eye on the zombies, shooting any that got too close to Ray. Ray jumped off the final desk and bounded into the room, Joel slamming the door behind them. He pushed a desk over to be safe, and turned back to Ray. Ray had his hood up, and Joel noticed a red stain on the neck area. Ray is going to be pissed out.

"Well, no one died, so I say that was a win. Shall we leave this place?" Joel said with a smile, and Ray looked down.

"Uh, no. You should go. Not me." Ray said, nervously shuffling.

"What?" Joel asked, confused.

"I can't lose you Joel, I rather be in ignorance."

"Ray, you're spouting bullshit, what-" Joel stopped. The blood stain on his hoodie has grown. "Ray." He breathed out, and Ray nodded.

"Joel-"

"Pull your hood down." Joel ordered. Ray paused before doing so, but he flipped his hood back, revealing the bite on his neck. Ray looked at Joel, and Joel looked back, hoping his emotions weren't identifiable. Joel stepped towards Ray and pulled him into a hug. He felt Ray stiffen in his arms at first, but then relax and wrap his own arms around the older man.

"I'm not letting you go."


	4. "Safe House Ahead!"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bby chapter

So they ended up letting go so they could walk, but Joel grabbed Ray’s hand in his tight grip. Ray didn't argue, he honesty didn't know what was Joel going to do, but this was probably the best outcome. This was the million dollar win outcome. But Ray didn't want the million dollar outcome. He wanted him to die and for Joel to live. He couldn't infect Joel.

They went through the city with ease after their skirmish, which was good, because Ray doubted that Joel will let him go to fight zombies. Thankfully, at the edge of the city, there was a vacant safehouse. Joel led Ray into the safety building and closed the door behind them, Ray sat down on a old couch and stared intently at the floor.

"Ray." Joel said quietly, sliding off his backpack and going to sit down next to Ray. Ray didn't move, tracing the wood floor pattern with his eyes. "Ray." Joel said louder this time, but Ray still didn't respond. Joel didn't anger, however, he just sighed and rubbed his scruff. "Ray, it's going to be okay."

"No it's fucking not!" Ray yelled, clenching his fists. "Joel, I am gonna fucking die, and turn into one of those things!"

"You won't turn-"

"Yes, I fucking will, Joel! That's what happens. I get bit, and I turn. That's what fucking happens!" Ray pulled his legs up, holding them in his arms.

"No," Joel said quietly "you won't." Ray suddenly realized that this was how Joel was coping. He was refusing to admit defeat. Ray became quiet once more, not wanting to say something wrong. They sat in silence for a while, hearing the movement of something outside. It was a good thing that the government ordered to install safehouses around the country.

"We should get some sleep." Joel said finally.

"I'm not tired." Ray replied, and for the first time since his flight to New York, it was true. He wasn't full of energy, per say, more like just functioning.

"Ray..."

"I'm being honest." He promised. He saw Joel look at him in his peripherals, but he still looked at the ground. "Joel, can you... trust me?"

"You aren't going to turn, and if, if you do, there is no other way I would rather die." Joel smiled, Ray still didn't look. Joel sighed, getting up from the couch and retreating to the bed in the opposite corner. "Night Ray."

"Night Joel."


	5. No Zambies Knows

Joel fell asleep, and after an hour, Ray got too stir crazy. Taking his baseball bat and pistol, he headed out into the zombie infested streets. And by infested, he means Kentucky. Ray had too much energy at the moment, and he needed to get it out. Plus, it was always fun to annoy some zombies. They got angry and frustrated, and it was kinda funny.

Ray walked around, the dark and quiet comforting. He was looking for trouble, he needed to do something productive, dammit. Luckily, he found a zombie stumbling around, and quickly made noise towards the zombie. The zombie quickly turned to Ray, and started sprinting to him.

"Fuck, runner." Ray mumbled, running down the street left to him. Runners were much more dangerous, sure, he was bit, but those things can rip you apart. Once he was far enough away from he zombie running towards him, Ray stopped and turned, baseball bat ready. The zombie ran, but began to slow down, stopping a few feet before Ray, seeming confused as it wailed.

"What!?" Ray angrily yelled. Was the zombie remorseful or something? It didn't try to attack Ray or anything! Ray let out an annoyed groan as he killed the zombie, looking for more.

Except every other zombie ignored him as well.

"What is this bullshit!" Ray yelled again, killing the indifferent undead. Was it because of his bite? Shit, it may have been. That being said, the zombies didn't bug him, and that would be helpful for a few more hours. Ray practically went on a slaughtering spree, only to be stopped by the sun rise.

"Shit." Ray said, making his way back to the safehouse. He managed to get back before Joel woke up, and didn't bother waking him up. He just sat on the couch, his hoodie pulled up like he did when he slept.

"Morning." Joel greeted groggily, and Ray hummed an acknowledgment. "How'd you sleep?"

"Fine." Ray lied, realizing he hadn't slept.

"I see you haven't turned."

"People have two days until turning."

"Ray, here me out." Joel started and Ray groaned. "Remember that guy in Pennsylvania who begged us not to kill him, even though he was bit?"

"Yeah..."

"He said he was bit two weeks prior to us meeting with him."

"Are you saying that I am immune or something?"

"Maybe." Joel said, getting out a package of dried fruit from his backpack before slinging it over his shoulders. "Mkay, lets go."

"Dude, I need to clean myself up." The blood had uncomfortably dried on his neck, he couldn't believe that he left it like that.

"Ray, it's the apocalypse."

"I'm not a fucking animal."


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Holy shit this story is a month old.

Joel didn't question Ray's alibi on his sleep. He knew Ray was lying, but Joel didn't press. Even when he saw random dead zombies lying all over town. Joel learned a lot about the infection, and he knew insomnia was one of the immediate side affects of being infected. Another side affect was reduced literacy rate. If only Joel can make Ray talk.

"Y'know what I hate?"

"Hm?"

"Fucking taxes."

"Joel, taxes don't exist anymore."

"That doesn't change the fact that I hate them." So Ray didn't seem to have problems with speaking, so that is a good sign. Joel reached back and carefully unzipped the small flap on the front of his backpack. He pulled out the small journal laying inside and opened it up. Inside laid observations of walkers and runners, and as much as Joel could scribble down on the immune man from Pennsylvania in the few hours he had.

Looking through the pages of his nearly illegible writing, he looked for the more recent entries, trying to make sense of it.

Lapses - Speaking and "Zombie Instincts"  
Less talking  
Milky tint in eyes   
Slowed movements  
Zombies don't attack/bug  
Lack of sleep  
Dulled emotions - Emotions can flare up  
Nerve damage at bite  
Reading - hard/can't  
Memory loss

Okay, he had to write shit out neatly, unless he can somehow figure out what 'lamb restocking magic' was. Whatever it was, it sounded pretty fucking cool.

"Joel, I know what you are doing." Ray said, interrupting his thoughts.

"Hating taxes?"

"Joel, I know you better than that."

"Ray, you can't blame me for hoping." Joel replied.

"Don't hope!" Ray turned and yelled at him. "What is the point! Miracles don't fucking happen in the zombie apocalypse!"

"Ray-"

"Don't Ray me! There is literally no point! You may as well put me down like a fucking animal!" Ray turned to take off, but Joel grabbed his wrist.

"Ray, calm down." Joel said pleadingly. "Do you know why I hope?" When Ray didn't answer, he continued. "I hope because it's the only thing I can do. No, it may not work, but it's a lot better than just giving up. And I am not giving up on you."

They stood in silence, and Joel slipped his hand down to Ray's hand. There was a lingering warmth.

They kept walking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had no idea where this was going.


	7. Town After Town

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Whoop, here I am!
> 
> That chapter title is a parody on that one line from that one song. Time after time or something. Its one of those lines were that's the only line you know and it gets stuck in you're head.
> 
> Sorry.

Maysville.

Frankfort.

Lexington.

Richmond.

Town after town and Ray didn't turn. Ray slowly believed that he was immune, but that didn't mean he still wasn't careful. Ray locked himself out of the safehouse for a solid week before Joel could convince him that he wouldn't bite Joel.

That being said, Ray was definitely different than before. His eyes had that milky tint in them, one more than the other. His skin turned a shade paler, his reaction time was slower, and he definitely talked less. Well, less for Ray at least. Joel never stopped talking in response, always finding something to ramble on about. Sometimes Ray would join in, sometimes he would make noises to show he was listening, and other times he just stared forward. Joel worried for Ray; it didn't happen often, but Joel would sometimes catch him drifting off into zombie mode. A firm shake could pull Ray back and an embarrassed Ray mumbled a thanks without fail.

Joel was currently talking about how he spilt Gatorade all over his keyboard once and how he tried to clean it with dryer sheets. Joel could tell Ray was listening, even if he didn't seem like he was. That happened a lot, but it didn't bug Joel.

"Ray, you must of spilled something on a controller or something, right?" Joel asks, prompting the Puerto Rican to speak.

"Uh, I'm sure I have." Ray says, shrugging.

"No, I need details." Joel said firmly.

"I can't remember. I know I did, but I can't remember on what and with what."

"What do you mean? You're like, eight! How can you not remember!" Joel exclaims.

"I'm 25, and it's a small detail." Ray says, promptly ending the conversation for the next quarter mile. Then Joel went on about how he found a college textbook in a public pool.


	8. The Man with the Crazy Conspirator Vibes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look what's updated

Everyone noticed the newcomer to the trading town. Yes, a lot of people came by, but this person was different.

He looked aged, but not necessarily old. Black, unkempt hair that stuck out at every angle, a resting confused expression, and a questioning yet annoyed look in his eyes. He walked through the town with a set determination, making others notice him immediately. Most people that came through didn't have such audacity, just wanting asylum for a few days and possibly a trade of goods. He appeared to have a mission.

The man approached Toby's booth, an ammo booth, his expression not changing at Toby's broad smile. "What do you need?" The man watches Toby, not taking his eyes off of him as he pulls his backpack off, pulls out two handguns and a hunting knife out.

"Shotgun shells." He says. Toby takes the weapons and examines them. The knife is still sharp, and the guns are still useful, better than most shit he sees. Toby can feel the man's eyes baring into his skull.

"How's the apocalypse been treating you?" Toby asks, hoping smalltalk will ease things over. It rarely does, but Toby would rather get shot in the face than this silence right now.

"Gold stocks down." Is all he says.

"I beg your pardon?"

"Gold." He repeats. "It's stock has gone down."

"I'm pretty sure there is no such thing as a stock market anymore."

"And that's a damn shame." He looks one hundred percent serious, and Toby realizes that the vibes this man gives off are crazy conspiracy vibes. "Y'know, I understand that this is the apocalypse and all, but did the stock market really have to go down too? This would be the perfect time to invest."

"I hear ya." Toby lies. "Anything else going on?"

"My partner was bit by a zombie."

"Oh... I..." Toby is at a lost for words. He clears his throat. "So, I can get you twenty shells." Another lie, these are worth fifteen shells, but honestly Toby is fearing for his life. Toby waits for a response, but the person says nothing, so he just puts the weapons in the box at his feet and grabs the twenty shotgun shells that he keeps on a shelf in his booth.

Toby sets the shells down, and the man stares at him as he takes them. There's an awkward silence between them, neither side moving. Once the man feels satisfied at how much he glared at Toby, he turns to leave, walking back to where he came from. Toby lets out a sigh he didn't know he was holding.

"Who the fuck was that?" The girl from the booth next to Toby, Jessi, asked.

"I don't know, and I never want to see him again." Toby replies.

**Author's Note:**

> Ask me something. Comment on the story. Suggest something. YELL AT ME FOR HOW HORRIBLE I AM IN THE COMMENTS DOWN THERE.


End file.
